i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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