dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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