nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
