no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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