you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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