i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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