just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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