I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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