This is not my ceiling
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
