there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
