i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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