hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
