The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
