So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize