she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
