Me too!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
