someone threw a dead crab at me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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