i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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