Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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