Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
