Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
