lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
