My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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