I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
