Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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