And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
