Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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