I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Someone signed my nipple.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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