i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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