Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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