Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
