i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
