I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
