don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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