I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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