You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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