Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
