I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
