Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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