Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
