Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize