We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
