I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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