Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
