Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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