Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
