matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize