so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
