break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize