Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize