Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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