I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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