i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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