How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize