all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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