Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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