Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have already put on my inside pants.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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