She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
