So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
