Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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