I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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