Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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