Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
