So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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