what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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