I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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