Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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