I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
