The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
