I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
