I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
