I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
