My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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