The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
